


fatfatfat.

by sodunwithyou



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Image, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Teasing, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, i don't really know what happened, this is to make me feel better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 10:16:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7432304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sodunwithyou/pseuds/sodunwithyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh is fatfatfat. </p><p>And everyone knows it. With their silly jokes and endless teasing. And Josh falls further and further into the consuming hatred of himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	fatfatfat.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on real life events. But with a happy ending.

_Fatfatfat._

Josh knew he was fat. He could see it. His thighs would wobble as he walked, if he ran his fingers across the skin blunt nails would catch against stretch marks.

_FAT.FAT.FAT._

He hated it with every ounce of his being. Sometimes just seeing his thighs, bare and pale and _fuckingfat_ would make him feel sick. He wanted to rip at the skin, wanted to cut himself open to let the fat bleed out.

Oh god if only it were that simple.

But Josh also knew nothing would change. His love for food was sickening, he’d find himself nibbling at a biscuit because he was bored, unable to turn down Tyler’s offer of a Taco Bell lunch. There wasn’t enough time to exercise properly enough, not enough time or space.

 _Fatfatfat._ And everyone else saw it too.

They’d disguise it as a joke, promise they didn’t mean it. _But they did_. Josh knows they mean it, he _is_ fat and he _is_ ugly and oh god his fashion sense is non-existent and his personality is unlikeable and he’s _lucky_ that there are people around him who will tell him.

 

 

 

 

“Showing a bit too much skin don’t you think?” Mark laughed. _Joke._ It was disguised as a joke, but Josh knew he was right. His fingers tugged self-consciously at the hem of his shorts, pulling them down.

“I, uh, I’ll change,” he murmured, ignoring Tyler’s concerned eyes.

“Dude, you look fine, he’s just teasing.”

But Josh didn’t stop, he headed to his bunk to change “I know.”

 

 

 

 

 

Tyler always treated him like a God. They’d lie beneath the sheets and he’d worship every inch of Josh, would tell him he’s perfect and beautiful. But Josh _knew_ he was trying to make him feel better, he felt sorry for him.

Because god, Josh was so _fatfatfat_. He could see it in the mirror, feel it as he walked.

He _had_ to be better. If not for himself, then for Tyler. He really was a God, lean and tan, tall and beautiful. He was full of smooth and angular lines, cute little curves and straight edges, like some carved masterpiece and Josh never felt more insignificant than when beside his naked body.

So he came up with a plan. Eat less.

Simple enough, right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

He started small, breakfast wasn’t too important. He’d have a biscuit if he was particularly hungry, but that became rarer and rarer.

But the best part, was no one noticed. That also happened to be the worst part.

So it continued. No more breakfasts. Rare lunches. A small dinner. Snacks were a no. He lived on low calorie drinks (or just plain old water) and small portions.

But those ‘jokes’ kept coming, teasing about his thighs and wearing too little and the swell of his stomach. “Josh, you coming to Taco Bell?” Tyler asked, running a hand through Josh’s fading hair.

 _Fatfatfatfatfat._ “He never turns down Taco Bell!” Sam laughed from the door, he was already half-way out the door. It was like that insult that made Josh feel sick to his stomach, made him feel more worthless than before, meant nothing to him. Spilling from poisonous lips with ease.

“I, uh, can’t.” Tyler just blinked at him, waiting for the punchline. “Got-gotta call, uh, my, my mum.”

Silence fell over them, thick and suffocating. Carefully, as if Josh would shatter, Tyler sat beside him, taking his hand, “I’m worried about you Josh.”

“I’m okay Ty, I’m sorting things out,” Josh mumbled,

“You aren’t eating Joshie, you’re going to get sick. You can’t live like this, when did you eat last?”

Josh’s face was burning, he felt _sofat_ and here Tyler is – the love of his life - trying to get him to eat _more_. Couldn’t he see? “I had breakfast,” the lie fell with practised ease. Not a pinch of guilt eating at him.

It would be worth it. It would.

“You didn’t, I’ve been here all morning. Why are you lying to me Josh?” He looked hurt. He looked worried.

Why couldn’t he see that Josh had it under control? Why couldn’t he see Josh was falling apart?

Josh shook his head, “I’m not lying. I had a breakfast bar. It was gross, I thought it was chocolate chip and it was raisins.” The look of disgust on his face was more to do with the thought of eating _anything_ really.

But it succeeded in convincing Tyler who let out a laugh, leaning over to kiss Josh softly. “Fine, I’m letting you off for now. But I’m keeping an eye on you baby, I don’t want to lose you.”

He already had.

 

 

 

 

 

“We’re going out to eat,” Tyler ordered, pulling Josh to his feet with abnormal ease.

“I’m really not hungry,” Josh whined.

“And I really don’t care.”

Then it happened. The final straw. “God Josh, you look fucking awful,” Mark scoffed.

Tears. _Fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat._

He burst into tears and ran to lock himself in the bathroom. His stomach was climbing up his throat, the little food he ate burning his throat. “Josh, Josh, what’s wrong?” Tyler’s voice was panicked, concerned, as he knocked on the door, calling Josh’s name.

But Josh didn’t care. He felt so sick. He felt so fat. He felt disgusting.

A glance in the mirror showed the mess he’d become, red and lifeless eyes, dull skin and deep purple bags that made him look like a corpse.

And then there was _allthatfat_. God. How. How did he keep Tyler? When everyone else saw his mess? How? “Go away!”

“Josh, I was only joking you know,” Mark called through the door.

“You were right,” he sobbed, the words being ripped from his throat, “I’m so fucking ugly and fat and god, I, I deserve to _die_.” His gaze fell on a razor, five sharp blades trapped within, he thought of how easy it would be to have the life slip from him.

How beautiful he would be. Tyler had always said he looked good in red. If he could just figure out how to get the blades out.

The banging on the door grew more erratic, pushing through Josh’s thoughts and snapping him out of his dream-like state, “open the door Josh, please, please, you’re not fat. Not at all. You’re beautiful. Let me in before I break it down.”

He sounded so scared, so sad. Something in Josh ached, he was vaguely aware of it. But acknowledging the feeling was all he could muster.

The crying continued, the apologies continued, the pleading and the banging and the wailing continued. Until the door came off its hinges and Tyler wrapped his arms around the red haired boy. “You are so beautiful; how could you think otherwise? Oh baby, my beautiful baby,” he peppered kisses over the crying man’s face.

“I feel so fat, just look at me,” he cried into Tyler’s chest, falling limp in his arms.

Tyler shook his head frantically, “no, no you’re not baby. You’re beautiful and perfect, I love every part of you.”

But the red-haired by just cried into his chest, muttering about how fat he was and how he hated himself so much. “I’m so _fat_ ,” he whispered, “I have stretch marks and a belly and fuck I’m disgusting.”

“Stretch marks don’t mean you’re fat, it just means your body went through changes quickly. And you do _not_ have a belly, you’re all trim and perfect and so gorgeous. You are so very far from disgusting baby, so, so far.”

“But everyone,” he began, voice a desperate whine.

“Everyone was joking, honestly joking. They would never even hint at it if they thought it was true – they’re not like that,” Tyler assured him in a gentle voice. For the first time in a long time he really _looked_ at Josh, looked past the façade he’d grown used to accepting. “What are these Joshie?”

Fingers trailed up fading red lines, soft and delicate, scared that if he truly touched Josh he’d shatter and be lost forever. “Scratches rubber bands,” Josh whimpered, eyes closed as he lay against Tyler, “I couldn’t leave you.”

 _Couldn’t_.

Tyler knew what that meant – he wanted to. Josh wanted to die. And Tyler felt like he was dying.

“We’re going to get through this together, I love you, I love you so very much Josh. You’re not fat and I’m not stopping until you believe that. I’ll be with you for every single step. If anything you’re too skinny baby boy, you’re barely eating and that makes you tired and spaced out. I’m gunna be there for you, even when you don’t want me to.”

They shared a sweet kiss, salty with both their tears. By the time Tyler had carried Josh to his bunk, (with the boy apologising for being too fat the whole time) Josh was practically asleep. He pressed a kiss to his forehead before clambering in beside him and pulling him close.

He knew they had a challenge ahead. Knew it would be hard for the guys to stop with the playful teasing, but they’d learn because that’s what you do for the people you love. He knew it would be hard for Josh to see himself differently, to see the beautiful man and talented drummer, knew it would be hard to increase his food intake and to stop with the self-harm.

Yeah. It was a challenge. But seeing Josh’s peaceful face, mouth hung open as he snored softly, reminded him why it was worth it.

“I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Struggling at the moment with a family who don't seem to understand why I don't find their jokes funny when I hate my body and feel disgusting a good 90% of the time. So I wrote this to try and feel a little better. I think we all need a Tyler.
> 
> If anyone reading this wants someone to talk to hit me up on tumblr (whatisdunisdun) or kik (saidanddun)


End file.
